The last 6 months has brought me to the reality that the old adage is, in fact Truth.
The move to Davis was a blessing.
I wasn't sure of that when I made it. Was full of doubt. Gracie was heartbroken and furious at me for taking her away from her friends. She punished me, consistently and without reprieve, until just a few weeks ago. I was probably her willing accomplice in that endeavor. Felt like I deserved it. Failing on every front.
I will simply say, this summer was the hardest and most challenging time I have ever experienced in a relationship with someone that I love. So deeply. So totally and completely in love with that girl. Gracie is my baby- my last baby. Who just started 7th grade and has no desire to be my baby. At least not that she's willing to admit to. She just knows that she doesn't want anyone ELSE to be my baby.
The balance of attentive parenting and nourishing my own desire for fellowship and companionship has been difficult to achieve. My children have such wildly different personalities, I find myself in awe of how different their needs are.
Sarah is a sweet, mature beyond her years, loving child who truly loves people. She loves to love people. She has no difficulty putting herself last to ensure someone else's needs are met. She loves her Dad, her Step Mom (ugly word, sorry, just for logistical purposes) and me equally. My relationship with Sarah has zero drama. She is content and her relationships reflect that. Sarah has had the benefit of being totally and completely loved her entire life. Her Father is her hero and they are extremely close. He is remarried, they have a son, so Sarah has a brother, too. They are a beautiful, well rounded family. I adore her and I make sure she knows it.
Sarah's life is.. charmed.
My Gracie's life experience has not been the same. She lost her Dad at a very early age. Regardless of the circumstances, it left her feeling abandoned. Her Grandpa on her Dad's side stepped in, but then she lost him, too. I remarried, that failed. She lost again- a Step Dad and 3 sisters she was completely in love with.
Gracie has learned that everyone leaves.
I know how she feels.
My little heart is a mirror image of Gracie's little heart. I am afraid to love. I am afraid to invite anyone in. I am sure that once I become vulnerable you'll take advantage of me. I am broken and I lost some of the pieces somewhere along the way, so the best I'll ever be is incomplete.
At least that would have been the case, if a Man hadn't died on the cross for me.
The Man who loves me. Perfectly. Consistently. Regardless of my weight or mood.
I haven't been doing my part in that relationship as of late and it caught up with me this morning as I took communion.
I pray everyday, but I stopped praying on my knees. I stopped tithing. I stopped small group and bible study... and for longer than I want to admit, I quit big church. Before August, I went to church 5x in 5 months. Not a great record. Not enough to give love or receive it. Not enough to make a friend or share a hug. Not enough to show my girls what my priorities are. Or maybe it was. I'm so sorry.
Just enough to earn my least favorite title "hypocrite".
I spent a few months living for Jennie and it was awful. It was awful on the first day, I have no idea how it even turned into two days, much less months. I missed Him. I was embarrassed and ashamed, so I quit including confession as part of my prayer life.
If you have ever done this, you understand the spiral that quickly takes place when you don't confess your sins to God. The lying to yourself until you forget the sin. The guilt when you remember it again. Like a never ending game of sin Hot Potato. Except you're the tosser and the catcher. And all of a sudden the potato is the size of a watermelon and feels like lead when it hits your fingers.
So today I apologized. Begged forgiveness. Gave thanks. Came home.
The building is different, but my Jesus was there.
Father God, I missed you.
I understand the difference between Happiness and Joy.
I understand that you picked up every little piece of my brokenness and I am whole again. I understand that you died for me. Me. Me. ME!!
And Gracie.
And Sarah.
And everyone I blame for breaking my heart and making me incomplete.
And everyone who's heart I broke and conveniently forgot about.
And I understand that You want me to stop blaming. And stop judging. And stop controlling. And today I did.
And that is amazing.
And that had nothing to do with me.
Because I am a blamer and a judger and a controller.
AND THERE IS NO PEACE IN THAT PLACE.
And today, I had communion with You.
And so did Grace, and Sarah as well.
And your Mercy and Love and Grace poured out and my little heart was completely full, longing for nothing.
And I cannot remember the last time I longed for nothing.
And I never want to leave Home again, ever.
Amen.
