A Constant Heart

And so it goes.
Time marches on.
Sometimes we march along at the same pace, in perfect harmony.
Sometimes we run ahead because we LOVE that season and want MORE.
And sometimes we dig in our heels trying to stop whatever is happening 
     from happening.
In the last two years, I have marched, run and dug in until it hurt. I have had precious, precious friends run along side.... and sometimes carry me when I felt like quitting, which is simply not in my nature. I have also belly laughed harder than I thought was possible and learned the bittersweet lesson that ends something like this: "you find out who your friends are".

Often times, when a relationship ends, a family ends. That is the tragedy. I no longer grieve the relationship, I will always grieve the family. He brought the kids, so he got to take them. They have a mother. End of story.

I was MADE for family, it's just who I am. It is easy for me to love people. All kinds of people. Big, small, old, young. A rainbow of colors and ethnicities is just my cup of tea. I can count on one hand the number of people I don't like.
When I was married, my vows included the vow of family.
The vow of raising children and providing a nest for them, forever. Not for as long as it was easy, or felt good or was convenient, but forever.
Those vows were broken. That is out of my control- and irreversable.
It did not change the longing of my heart. I still want to raise babies, and feather my nest. I still want to see my own reflection in the eyes of a man who loves me. I still want to take care of a partner and nurture a loving, Godly relationship.
For the rest of my life.
My season changed, but my heart remains constant.
THANK YOU GOD THAT MY HEART REMAINS CONSTANT.
I am thankful it is not so hard that the scab can't be picked off. I am blessed that my experience didn't lead to a crisis of faith, or a desire to be alone...where sadness could corner me and keep me.        Could have gone either way.
I hope, that wherever we are, whatever the season- or the crisis- or the broken promise- or the amazing blessing- that we remember. That we remember God chose that season for us before He breathed life into us. That the season is a blessing, or a lesson, or more likely -both.
That we remember the measure of GRACE that has been poured out on us.
That we offer that same measure of grace to others consistently.
That we remember time does not belong to us, but to Him.
That emotional or physical healing can take years, or an instant.
We don't get to decide for each other, or for ourselves. That today may be our last day and the decision to love is always the right one.
Even if the decision is to love AGAIN. or STILL.
or IN SPITE OF    a broken promise.    Because there is no limit to the number of promises that may be broken. No lifetime cap.
It takes a little bit of chutzpah to put one foot in front of the other after being kicked in the knee cap. I think God LOVES chutzpah. I think He honors it. I think He looks at us the same way we look at our kid who was picked last for a team but plays as hard as they can every game, no matter what. I think He rejoices when hearts bond- through friendship or love.
Wasn't that His purpose in it's entirety?
Simply, for us to LOVE. I fully intend to honor the season that was given to me. I appreciate that He thinks enough of me to trust me with these days. Through the experience of being unloved and rejected, I have ended up feeling MORE LOVED and ACCEPTED. My capacity for empathy has grown exponentially.    Not my plan,     His.
I have always thought that I would raise more children. I can't give birth to them and I have a feeling I won't even give them their names. I'm not sure if I'll find them happy, or broken. Not sure if they'll find me happy, or broken. I'm not sure if they will live with me or I will live with them. Not sure where or when or how. I absolutely don't care. I'm just praying that I am aware when the opportunity arises that it is an opportunity.
I feel the exact same way about a partner. I believe that core longing for a best friend and companion lives on for a reason. I think it has been decided for me, for all of us and we simply need to behave with integrity and love and let it play itself out.
I'm just praying.                    
And so it goes.