So, my girlies are both gone next week. Sarah is in Disney WORLD with her Dad and the fam and Grace-Catherine is taking her very first domestic missions trip. I am beaming right now, in case you weren't sure. My Gracie is bringing Jesus to the ghetto- Stockton, Ca. Whoop Whoop! Maybe Jesus is bringing Gracie? Probably more accurate. Anyway....
This means Mom is flying solo. Monday through Friday. Let the party begin!
As Sar got out of the car last night after youth group we had a family prayer and she looked me square in the eyes.... "Mom, please do something when we're gone. Don't just do things alone. Go out to dinner with a friend or something".
She actually sounded worried.
WHAT THE HELLO-KITTY????
I'm social!!! I have friends!!!! Ok, alright... they all live in Sacramento, so I don't seem them daily like I did before we moved, but...c'mon. She was talking as though I am a hermit. I socialize all day long at work- that's 10 hours a day! I run my dog in the mornings! I ride my bike after work! I see people! Next week- I'm riding my bike TO work- how do you like me now? Punk teenager. Talking to her sweet Mama like that. Seriously?
OK, now I'll tell it straight. I will probably cry on Monday and maybe Tuesday. I'll take a long jog in the mornings and hit the gym after work. I'll maybe have a sushi night on Wednesday if my friend ends up coming through Davis..Thursday I'll work out again and Friday I'll clean and do laundry. Really, is that so pathetic?
Um. Yes.
Uggghh. So here is the problem. I am partner oriented. I was built for relationship. I want one man for the rest of my life, end of story. I don't want to smother or be smothered. I just want to be near "my man". Enjoying life and each other. I want to grow a family- whatever that family looks like: existing kids, adopted kids, nieces, nephews, cousins, elderly parents. I want to nurture and love and train up Godly people.... because that is what I do and who I am. Why is this so elusive?
I love to entertain. It's sad to have all of your married friends over and hear the banter and sweetness. Wonderful, but sad at the same time. I enjoy going out..but there is something creepy about going out without a ring on your finger. Really, doing anything without a ring on your finger. You just look- so..... available. I don't remember men being so bold when I was a younger woman. I was much cuter, so that seems like a strange twist. Maybe as men approach their late 40's/ early 50's....late 30's still looks good? I just don't know. Lower standards? It's looking like... yes.
So, I guess I am alone... because I am alone. My kids obviously notice it. And notice that part of me is missing because of it. And they are worried. For me. Like I worry for them every day. Funny how the tables have turned. They are growing up.. Sarah will be driving in less than a year...Gracie in 5.
Seven years from now I may have an empty nest. I thought I would only ever be the mother of toddlers. Bouncy, giggly girls that smelled like baby powder and shampoo. Delicious.
So, I know what I am doing next week. Spending time with MY MAN. I'm going to finish re-reading Romans and I'm going to pray. On my knees, beside my bed. Where I love to spend time with Him. I'm going to pray for forgiveness and for grace. And for the ability to feel beautiful ALONE. Until I am not. To not feel like half. To not feel that my family is lacking because we are 3 and not 4. To teach my daughters to wait. To wait. Until God sends him. And to listen. And to hear.
And to be very careful to model what a healthy woman looks like.
I want one man, for the rest of my life, end of story.
Thank you, Jesus. You're the man. :)
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